Sophie Devereaux is Dead
by SophieDevereauxtoo
Summary: Sophie has run away to 'find herself' but she can't help worrying about her friends. And Tara.


Sophie's flat. London

It's been a long day already. I've had so much on my mind and, honestly, I'm just plain exhausted. I settle down onto my couch with a nice cuppa tea and try to relax. I close my eyes for just a second…it feels so good… Suddenly I am startled back to my senses by a loud buzz. I open my eyes and stare at my cell phone as it vibrates and dances across the table in front of me. I reach to pick it up and then stop. They've been calling me almost non-stop for the last 3 days. I thought they would be OK. I thought they could carry on. Based on the slew of phone calls I've been getting, apparently they can't. I sigh and reach for the phone.

It could be any one of them. Parker needs help with a grift. Hardison needs help dealing with Nate. Eliot, well I don't know what Eliot needs. And Nate. I swear if he cries again…He doesn't want me, he just wants me to be there. It's all so frustrating. I tried to tell them, help them understand. I need this time for me. I am so wrapped up in all of their problems I can't seem to find me anymore.

I put the phone to my ear. "Hello?" I am ready for any one of them. I am not ready for her. "SOPHIE!" It's a woman's voice. Screaming. Panicking. Its Tara's voice. "SOPHIE! Oh my God Sophie. Tell me it's you. Please be you!" I try to calm her. I speak slowly and softly. "It's me Tara. It's OK." "Oh my God Sophie. Thank God. You're alive? Please tell me you're alive!" "It's OK Tara. It's me. I'm alive."

I hear her finally take a breath. She's calmer, just a bit. Her voice changes. The panic is over. Now she's angry. "Sophie, why didn't you call me? People are talking. They're saying you're dead. How could you let me think you were dead? Oh my God Sophie. Do you know what it would do to me if you were dead? Why didn't you call me? "

"I'm sorry Tara. I couldn't. I had to be dead. It had to be this way. I couldn't call. I just couldn't take the chance. Tara, someone tried to kill me."

I hear her take another breath. Her voice changes again. It's low and threatening. "Soph. Tell me who."

I shudder to think what Tara might do if she ever caught Chaos. I tell her it's taken care of. He's going to prison. He's not going to hurt me. She is silent. I can imagine all of the things she must be thinking, feeling. Finally she asks "Are you really OK Soph?" I catch my breath. I want to tell her I'm OK. I'm fine. I know I'm not fine. She will know I am lying. I can't lie to Tara. "I left the team." "I'll be there in 12 hours."

The phone goes dead. I sit and stare at it where it still sits in my hand. I'm not sure I want Tara to come. I am so confused about everything. I know I won't be able to stop her though, so I won't even try. I'll deal with her when she's here, when she's finally satisfied that I am still breathing and in one piece. Then I can ask her for some space, some time to think about who I am. Who I am without Nate. He just confuses me with his mixed up feelings. Without Parker who needs a friend so desperately. Without Hardison and Eliot. Even without Tara. I need to be me without thinking of anyone else's needs. I know I seem selfish to others, always looking out for me but that's not the way I feel. I feel all of their needs so acutely that I am not sure I can separate them from my own.

It's getting late, the sun has been down for hours. I've been staring at the lights of the city. I should sleep. Tomorrow is going to be another long day. I check the clock. 11:00. Ten hours until Tara will be here. I go and lay down on my bed but I know sleep is not going to come easily. I try to breathe, to meditate. I don't know what time it is when I finally drift off.

I am up with the sun, feeling not at all rested. I throw on my robe and go to the kitchen to make some tea. I hear a knock on the door and I jump. 7:30 am. Tara must have caught a much earlier flight? I go and peak through the spy glass and my heart sinks to my feet. I can't breathe. I can't think. I pull the door open "Who died?" Nate looks surprised. "Uh no one died Sophie" "Oh thank God" I sigh and I struggle to put myself back together. "Why are you here Nate?" He starts rattling on about the con and Hardison being kidnapped and Parker stabbing someone. I can't process any of it. Finally he gets to his point. "You need to come back Sophie. We need you". "They need me or you need me?" I ask. The look on his face tells me what I need to know. It's the same look I've been getting for months. He wants to tell me he needs me. He won't. He can't. He drops his eyes. I sigh. "Goodbye Nate" I tell him as I push him back to the door. "Don't call me until you know".

Well that was an unexpected emotional derailment. I feel like I've been hit by a train. I sit and try to relax. Damn it Nate! I'm here trying to figure things out and now he's just confusing me again. Kidnapping? Stabbing? This is my fault? Am I really the only thing holding them together? Holding Nate together? What if I can't be who they need me to be anymore?

Another knock on the door startles me. I've completely forgotten about Tara. I have my mouth open, ready to chastise Nate again when she hits me hard and wraps me up. Tara is a good 3 inches taller than I am, barefoot, which I am and she is not. I stumble backwards and lose my balance. Before we hit the floor, Tara twists around me so she takes the brunt of the blow on her shoulder with me landing on top of her. I'm still not entirely sure what just happened; expecting one thing and getting completely the other. I haven't decided whether or not to be angry with her. Tara still has my arms pinned to my side with hers around me. She rolls me over again and, before I can say anything, her mouth is on mine.

I don't kiss her back. I'm still startled by her attack on me, the suddenness of the intense physical contact. She needs something from me too and I don't have anything to give her back. She pulls back a bit and loosens her grip on me. She's talking now. Over and over again. "Soph. Oh my God Soph. You're OK. You're alive." I feel her tears on my cheeks and my eyes begin to burn with my own. I try to tell her I really am alive but she's not satisfied until she's checked me over head to foot with her own hands. Finally she lets me up and I move to the sofa, sitting on it sideways, legs folded. Tara sits next to me and I take her hand. "I'm sorry Tara. I really am sorry. You have to understand. Please understand."

I tell her the whole story. I start with the boy we were using to get to his father, how I shared things with him that I've never said aloud before. That I've never had friends. That I feel like a phony. That I lie to everyone. Not just about my job but about my life. Everything. Tara nods along. She understands. I tell her about Chaos and the bomb. How I didn't want to die as Sophie Devereaux. How easily Sophie and all the others could just disappear as if none of them had ever existed, never meant anything. I told her about Nate in the graveyard. I told her how I felt that even the people that I considered friends still didn't know me. How bad I wanted to kiss Nate. How much it hurt that I couldn't even share that. I even told her about him coming to see me. How much I wanted him to tell me he needed me. How it would have been almost enough.

Tara doesn't make a sound while I talk. She just squeezes my hand once in a while to let me know she understands. If anyone can understand it would be Tara. We live the same life of lies. Why she thrives on it while I felt lost, I can't understand. For a long time, Tara looked to me as a teacher or a mentor but the reality was, most of the time I was just following her. She has always been so much stronger than me. Her lies are her reality while mine are eating me up. Maybe it's because Tara doesn't care, doesn't want to care. She has her mother and herself and sometimes she has me and I guess that's enough for her.

I had thought that was enough for me too, I didn't care about anyone and they didn't care about me. Then Nate came looking for me and he was so damn needy. All of a sudden I had friends, a family, a whole world of needy people. They all wanted something from me but there is no more me to give. I was just a figment of my own imagination. I was one vase of flowers away from being nothing at all and it scared me.

Tara just looks at me, her face expressionless. I'm not sure if I hurt her by leaving her out of my story. For telling her I wanted Nate. For implying that her love wasn't enough. I start to tell her "Tara I…" She shakes her head no, cutting me off. "Sophie." She says, "I want to be the one person who doesn't need anything from you. I love you. I loved you yesterday and I will love you tomorrow, I love you because I know your heart. I love everything you are and everything you think you aren't. It's even OK if you don't love me back. I don't need anything from you." I can't see her through the tears in my eyes but I manage to whisper, almost inaudibly, "I do love you Tara. I do. I just can't…I mean I don't think…" She cuts me off again. "Sophie, I said I don't need you but that doesn't mean I don't want you!"

I feel the beginnings of a smile as all of the awful emptiness I've been feeling is being replaced by relief and desire. She continues "I want you more than anything I've ever wanted in my entire life. When I thought you were…, when I thought I would never…" She can't finish and I don't want her to. I lean to her and kiss her. She kisses me back slowly, wanting to show me that what she said was the truth but I know it is a lie and so does she. She needs something from me. She needs the same thing I need from her. I push my mouth harder against hers, begging her for more. I need to be inside her, to feel her wrapped around me, I need to feel alive.

I tangle my fingers in the hair at the back of her head, pulling her hard into me before tumbling us to the floor. She's under me now and I let all of my weight onto her. I'm trying to get my hand under her shirt, down her pants, anywhere I can find skin. Still she's holding back. "Tara. Please." She looks unsure. I know she wants this. She told me she does. Why won't she let me have her? She pushes me off of her, rolling up to her elbow and looking into my eyes. I see concern in hers. I'm not sure what she sees in mine. "Tara. Please. I want this. I need this." She shakes her head and whispers "I want this too Soph. I just don't know if it's what you really need right now. You're running away. I'm not sure I understand why but the last thing you need is for someone to take something more from you. I was so scared when I thought you were...when I realized how much I…well, that's on me. I can't take any more from you when you feel like you have nothing to give. I think we should just…"

"Bloody Hell Tara!" I said loudly. "You aren't getting it. You're not taking anything from me. You think you need me but you don't. You've never needed anyone. That's what makes you so strong. If anything I've leaned too hard on you. I needed you to help me figure out who I am. Hell, I needed you to tell me who I am. You made Sophie but now I don't know who she is anymore." I lay my hand softly on her cheek. "What I want, what I need right now, is to feel something. To give something, not because I'm needed but because I want to. I need to get Sophie and all the others out of my head. The only way I can do that, just for a little while, is to be with you, to be on you, to be in you. Please. Give me this. I need this. I need you." She leans her head into my hand. She whispers "Soph, I will always be what you need. I will give you everything you want, everything I have if it makes you feel better."

This time, when I kiss her, she kisses me back but she's setting the pace now. She's not going to let me just take her. She's going to go slow. She's going to make this last as long as possible. She's going to make sure that I feel every bit of what she's here to give. I sigh and close my eyes as her hands start to move inside my robe.

She's right about what I need. With every brush of her finger tips I begin to feel better. Every touch of her tongue brings my weary body back to life. By the time she slowly slips her fingers into me, I feel like a whole person again. I stare into her eyes. I can see deep into her soul. I can see how much it means to her to do this for me, how badly she wants to fix me. I can see her great strength and confidence. I am amazed at how she can be so open with her emotions, with her own needs. She's a grifter like me, she lives and dies by her lies but, underneath all of that, she knows who she is while I feel hopelessly lost. Suddenly her eyes change. She felt my body tense. I see her hunger and her lust before I have to close my eyes tight as I lose control of everything around me.

Tara holds on to me tight, not letting me move. I remember why she is here, what she went through the last couple of days, thinking that I was gone. I feel tears start again. "Soph?" She's confused now. I shake my head. "I'm sorry Tara. I'm so sorry" "Sophie?" she tries again. I shake my head again and push her off. I get up and grab my robe. Suddenly I am embarrassed by my behavior. I've been doing to Tara exactly what I've been whining about the team doing to me. Taking. Not even thinking about her and what she needs. Tara needed me and all I did was use her to make myself feel better.

I'm standing in my little kitchen, my hands on the counter, staring at an empty tea cup. Wishing. Wishing what? Strength? Peace? A cup of tea? I need a cup of tea. I hear Tara behind me. As if she can read my mind she says "I'll make it Soph. You go sit down. We can talk later." I nod and do as she says. By the time she comes back to the sitting room with my tea, my head is heavy, lying on the back of the sofa. I can't keep my eyes open. I hear her put the cup on the coffee table and take a seat in a chair facing me before I fall asleep.

I wake several hours later, confused and with a kink in my neck from sleeping awkwardly on the couch. Tara is still sitting. Waiting? Watching? She sees me try to rub out the knot in my neck and comes to me. She reaches but I push her hand away. "Please don't Tara. Don't touch me" "I want to" she says. "I wanted to. I had to know you were ok. I had to touch you. To feel you. I had to know you were still alive. I wasn't sure Soph. Not until right then. Not until I really touched you. I mean you. Not Sophie or any of the names you call yourself." I let her put her hand on my neck, to begin to rub at it. She turns me to get a better angle at the sore muscle. "You're stronger than you know" she says softly. "You're the strongest woman I've ever known." I shake my head. "I don't feel strong Tara". "I know" she says. "but you will. You just need to learn to let us love you". I shake my head again. I don't understand her.

"You build your walls so high" she continues "you think it's for protection, that you need to hide, to keep yourself deep inside where no one can hurt you. But you're keeping out the people who love you, the people who can help you. You're so tired Sophie. So much more than I've ever seen you. You fight so hard. It's time to stop fighting, stop building walls. Let us in Sophie. Let us touch you." "I don't know how" I whisper. "I don't know who I am. That's why I ran away. I am afraid that if I peel away the lies" "the walls" she corrects me. "The lies" I continue. "There will be nothing left." Tara stops her hand on my neck. She wraps her arms around me and pulls herself close. "I know it's there Soph. I felt it. I feel it every time I touch you. I see it when I look in your eyes." She pauses. I don't know if she's looking for words or waiting for me to respond. I can't think of anything to say. "Let me help you Soph." she whispers in my ear. "Let me touch you." I nod. I want her now. I want to hold her so tight that I can feel her strength inside of me.

I lean back into her and lay my head on her shoulder. She twists her head around to kiss me. "I want to feel it Tara" I whisper. "Help me." She pulls me around so that I am on her lap, knees on the couch, facing her. She wraps her arms around me and holds me tight. She kisses me gently, reassuringly, then pulls my head back to her shoulder. Her arm around me holds me tight while her other hand strokes my hair. I let myself fall into her. Neither of us says anything when my tears begin to fall.

It's hard to tell how many hours have passed before we move. The room is almost completely dark. I might have slept, I'm not sure. Tara hasn't moved either and I can't tell if she's awake. My stomach grumbles and I realize that neither of us have eaten all day. I try to untangle myself without disturbing her. "How do you feel?" she asks, startling me. "God Tara! Don't do that!" I hear her softly giggle. "Fish and chips please" she says while I try to catch my breath. "How did you know?" I ask. She giggles again. "I know you Sophie".

The food arrives and we talk and laugh like the old girlfriends we are while we eat and drink the best part of a bottle of wine. White of course. To go with fish. "We aren't barbarians you know" I laugh as I pour more wine into her glass. We both try to keep the conversation light, we laugh a lot, teasing each other about things that only we know. The shadow of the day still hangs over me. No matter how hard I try to push it back, I know that it's going envelope me again. I still don't understand what Tara was trying to tell me. I still don't understand who I am.

Tara feels the mood change. She's suddenly serious, worried. "Sophie?" I shake my head, feeling the tears come again. "I'm sorry Tara." "You need to stop saying that Soph" she says. "You don't need to apologize for anything. Well, maybe for not calling me and telling me you were OK. But not the rest. This is what we do for the people we love. We don't need to be asked. My mom says "we do for family" and I believe that." "Tara. I can't. Not now. That's what I'm sorry about. I love you for being here for me. I just don't think I can be there for you right now. I can't. Not until I figure this out. And I need to do it myself." Tara has tears in her eyes. "I know Soph. I understand. Just remember that I will always be here when you need me. I'm always just a phone call away." "I know Tara. And thank you."

We sit quietly for a bit. Finally Tara asks "Sophie? Do you want me to go?" I sigh. "Yes. But not right now. Right now I want you to go to bed with me. I want to feel something. I want to feel you." Tara smiles through her tears. "I want you too Soph. I will always want you." I laugh quietly as I pull her to me. "That's what I love about you Tara. You're always horny!" She laughs and kisses me. "It's because of you. It's so hard to be near you and not touch you. You are so damn beautiful. I just can't help myself." She punctuates her sentence with a kiss and her hand starts up the back of my robe. I kiss her back until I feel nothing but Tara. I stand and pull her to her feet. "Take me now Tara." She smiles and kisses me again as we slowly move toward the bedroom.

Tara is sleeping. She has one arm and a leg draped over me. I want to sleep but I can't. My body feels amazing but my brain is at it again. As much as I love having this woman sleep next to me, I can't let her stay. I hope she can understand one day. My thoughts drift from Tara to Nate. Nate and Parker, Eliot and Hardison. My team. My crew. My family. I can't be any of that for them either. But my conversation with Nate… Was that only yesterday? And the phone calls. I have an idea. It's an idea that might help everyone. I hope Tara goes for it.

I'm sitting at my desk writing when I feel someone come up behind me. Tara snakes her arms around my middle and nuzzles the back of my neck. "What'cha doing?" She asks. "Mmmm. Nothing" I reply. She rests her chin on my shoulder and tries to read my letter. "Gimme a sec" I tell her. She goes to the kitchen and comes back with a cuppa for me. I sign my name at the bottom of the letter with a flourish and put the pen down. I take a sip of my tea and turn around. "Tara, come sit with me for a second."

I go to the sofa, the letter still in my hand. Tara sits next to me. I tell her about the phone calls from the team as well as Nate's visit. I tell her how I don't think they can work without me there. I tell her how fragile Nate is and that I worry about him with no one there to hold him back. I tell her that I need to be able to think without constantly worrying about them or her. I hand her the paper. She reads through it. "What do you think?" She shrugs. "I'm not really the team type Soph." "I wasn't either. You remember. But they're good people. And they're doing good work. They need a grifter. And I need someone to keep an eye on them, especially Nate. Can you do it for me?" "I don't know Soph. It's a lot." "I know. But remember, you owe me." Tara laughs loudly. "I owe you?" I nod, trying to stay serious. "Of course you do. Remember?" Tara looks at me, the smile still on her face. "No. That's not what I remember at all. I think you owe me?" I lean into her and kiss her softly. "Please Tara? For me?" She kisses me back. "For you Soph. I'll do it for you."

An hour later, we are still on the couch. I'm leaning up against Tara, her arms wrapped around me. My body is humming, remembering her touch and how it made me feel. We don't talk for a long time. Then, very softly, Tara asks "so I'm going to just walk in and introduce myself and they'll be OK with that?" "No" I admit "you're going to have to make it good. Show them what you can do. Show Nate the letter. It might take a while for them to trust you. I'll help if I can." She sighs. "Only for you Sophie. I wouldn't do this for anyone but you." I smile. "Thank you Tara." I turn myself around and kiss her. She starts her hand moving slowly up my spine and into my hair. "How long do you think it will be?" she asks in a whisper. I close my eyes and let my weight onto her. "I don't know Tara. I really don't know. All I know right now is that I want you." She smiles and kisses me again, her hands moving over me again. "I want you too Sophie."


End file.
